Q&A #3 Why Does it Feel So Good to Shop After a Breakup?

Q: Why does it feel so good to buy something expensive, especially after a break-up?

 I like this question. Ask 10 people this question and look for the variety of answers you get. I can almost guarantee that unless you are talking to a neuroscientist, none of them will use the word dopamine in their answer. That’s too bad, because that is, in fact, the answer.

We might use all sorts of words to describe emotional pain and the soothing effect of distracting ourselves with simple pleasures and finding oneself etc, but in reality it might just boil down to the brain’s desperate search for dopamine to replace the dopamine that has been lost.

Dopamine, one of hundreds of chemical messengers in the brain known as neurotransmitters, has many roles in the brain, with one of them being the production of physical processes that we experience as pleasure, fun, or reward. In a nutshell, anything that we do that we enjoy and feel motivated to do again causes dopamine to be released in our brain, leading to good feelings and the increased likelihood of repeating the behavior.

Needless to say, our brain loves dopamine. However, it may love it just a bit too much. This means that when it gets a taste of dopamine, it is prone to want to go back for more as soon as possible. People who have so-called addictive personalities may in fact be more accurately described as having dopamine-starved brains.

 

I experience involuntary disinhibition of affect when my extracellular dopamine serum levels are increased. Thank you very much.

Because the brain knows that while dopamine is good thing, too much of a good thing can cause harm. Therefore, when the brain anticipates that an outside source of dopamine is about to be accessed, it will lower its own natural production of dopamine in preparation. This is why the addict needs to continually escalate the addictive behavior in order to approach the same pleasurable sensation that was experienced initially.

One great source of dopamine is the experience of being loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, etc. Dopamine is not the only neurotransmitter involved in these feelings, but it is the one most implicated in the pleasurable aspect of relationships. If a relationship has ended, the brain, which is used to anticipating an external source of dopamine in the company of your partner or at certain times of the day when you usually interact with that partner, is slow to catch on. Believing that a release of dopamine is imminent, it will lower its own natural production, leading to feelings of depression, lethargy, low motivation, etc. This is, in effect, a chemical withdrawal from the relationship.

Dopamine on tap!!!

One of the greatest sources of dopamine, unfortunately in many cases, is novelty. This means that when something is new to us, it will cause the release of more dopamine than something that we are used to. This is a very simplified explanation for why relationships that are not built on something meaningful tend to start strong and fade fast.

In the absence of a new relationship, the brain will take whatever source of dopamine it can get, provided that the dopamine is available quickly and at a high level. For many, substances such as alcohol, nicotine, or other stimulant drugs are a quick fix for the dopamine withdrawal. For others, it is the dopamine-rich act of overindulging in high-fat, high-carb foods. For others, it is the download of dopamine that comes from welcoming something new into your life, especially something expensive.

You’ll never leave me will you baby? You’ll always be good to me?

The dopamine that is released during the act of purchasing something that is expensive and new is a short-term fix for the long term depression of dopamine caused by the loss of the relationship. This is why we may realize, after setting up our new 80-inch TV with home theatre surround sound and watching sad music videos for hours, that we don’t actually feel much better. Once the novelty wears off, we are back to where we were in the first place.

The forest makes me sad.

The better solution is to realize that you are going to be going through a withdrawal for a while, don’t be frightened by the feelings, and look for sources of dopamine that are less intense but more lasting, such as strengthening real friendships. Eventually, the brain will catch on that the old source of dopamine is gone and restore its level back to whatever is normal for you.

While I’m on the subject, dopamine is heavily implicated in many mental health issues, most especially ADHD. Please stay tuned for an upcoming post on that subject.

Once again, I welcome your comments and further questions.

Q&A #2 How Can We Positively Direct Anger?

I want people to be able to get accurate and responsible answers to the questions that they have about mental health, mental illness, and psychology in general. I do not plan on answering questions based solely on opinion but on what science and experience has demonstrated. This does not mean that opinion does not play a role and that is where you come in.

Please send me your questions and I will attempt to answer them, possibly featuring them on this page. In addition, I not only welcome feedback and discussion, I’m practically begging for it. Let your voice be heard. Having said that, please be respectful of the voices of others. Abusive, offensive, or aggressive posts will not be allowed.

Question of the Day:

Q: How can people direct anger constructively? 

I love this question. As someone who specializes in the treatment of anger and aggression, one of the philosophical ideas that is ubiquitous and, I believe, harmful, is the notion of “positive” anger. I think I know what people area referring to when they use this term but I think a deeper exploration of the idea of anger will reveal why I don’t believe this concept is possible.

When people referring to positive anger, for the most part, they are referring to the ability to channel one’s dissatisfaction with a situation into positive change using proper channels. Or in the case of physical aggression, it might be the ability to use aggressive behavior to escape a dangerous situation or protect oneself. A common use of this concept is within the sporting arena, where teams or rivals artificially raise their level of aggression in anticipation of a contest, believing that that aggression will fuel them on to victory and give them the motivation to persevere in the face of adversity.

Ping Pong? It’s called TABLE TENNIS!!!

These seem like very obvious examples of positive anger but in fact, they are not.

I think that the real root of what we call anger is hate. As far as I have experienced, I’m not sure that hate is possible to channel in a positive way. One of the key things to recognize is that the physical sensation of anger is virtually identical to the physical sensation of excitement, anticipation, and fear. The different labels that we apply to this physical sensation are rooted in a lifetime of experiences. Instead of trying to channel our “anger” in a positive way, we are probably better off to understand that sensation for what it actually is.

For example, in the case of a parent trying to encourage a child to do a chore or go to bed or please, for the love of all that is good and decent, can you please just eat the peas!!… that parent is better served to realize that the sensation that they are experiencing is in fact, not anger but something else. If we look at it logically, do we hate the child for their reluctance to follow direction? Hopefully not. So if it is not hate, what is it? What is it about the situation that is leading to this physical sensation? In almost every case, the catalyst to the reaction is the sensation of powerlessness.

A spoonful of sugar helps pretty much anything go down. These are my mom’s actual words.

So why does powerlessness set off the chain reaction that we experience as anger? The root is in our personal developmental history as well as the developmental history of our species. The central processing unit inside our skulls, also known as our brain, has a simple objective: survival. To that end, the predictability of one’s environment is inextricably linked to our ability to protect ourselves. To the degree that our environment is unpredictable, we are vulnerable to danger and harm. Thus, we are wired, and have been for a long time, to seek predictability through controlling our environment.

If we are raised in a secure, loving attachment relationship, our higher brain processes are able to develop beyond this level of survival-centred existence. The brain gets to know that we are safe, even if our environment is not completely predictable. However, if our brain does not learn that lesson, if powerlessness is paired with dangerous or harmful circumstances throughout our development, then the survival brain is much more reluctant to relinquish the steering wheel to the higher brain. This means that whenever we experience feelings of powerlessness, our brain believes that our very survival is on the line. In response to this perceived threat, the brain initiates the fight or flight response, which we experience as anger or frustration.

This is a very brief review of the subject and perhaps it doesn’t address the actual question of how to channel this feeling into something positive but I believe, and experience has demonstrated that if we are able to more accurately determine what it is that we’re feeling, we are more able to intuitively know what to do with that emotion.

Once again, I welcome your comments and questions. Please share this with whomever you think would benefit.

Past Q&A

Is Mental Illness a Disease?

Q&A #1 Is Mental Illness a Disease?

This is the first in a new feature on this site. I want people to be able to get accurate and responsible answers to the questions that they have about mental health, mental illness, and psychology in general. I do not plan on answering questions based solely on opinion but on what science and experience has demonstrated. This does not mean that opinion does not play a role and that is where you come in.

Please send me your questions and I will attempt to answer them, possibly featuring them on this page. In addition, I not only welcome feedback and discussion, I’m practically begging for it. Let your voice be heard. Having said that, please be respectful of the voices of others. Abusive, offensive, or aggressive posts will not be allowed.

Question of the Day:

Q: I have generally understood the meaning of “disease” to be the invasion of our bodies by some form of invasive bacteria or virus. If this is correct, how does mental health fit in this paradigm when it is also referred to as a disease, or when alcoholism is regarded as a “disease”?

A: This is a very common question in the realm of psychology, which is often referred to as a soft science. That somewhat condescending description refers to the reality that psychological phenomena are not always as concretely observable as those in the more traditional science such as biology and chemistry. Of course, this assumes that what we are able to see through our microscopes are the end of the line in observable entities and that what appears to be a direct cause to an effect is actually so. Psychological phenomena are merely in the early stages of exploration and observation, especially within the realm of neurophysiology. Give it a few years and see how soft the science of psychology is.

This separation between the hard and soft sciences is partly to blame for the confusion and disagreement that exists around the disease notion of mental illness and mental health. In actual fact, according to dictionary.com, the definition of disease is :

“a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure,or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or developmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorable environmental factors; illness; sickness; ailment.”

 Of particular note in this definition of disease is the inclusion of “unfavorable environmental factors” as a possible pathogen, or disease creating agent. In our society we have been semantically conditioned to consider pathogens to be organisms, made from chemicals both naturally occurring and synthesized. The word disease invokes images of affected tissues or infection but in actual fact, the pathogen may be as difficult to objectify as happiness or sadness.

In other words, an unhealthy social environment may lead to maladaptive development of the organ that is responsible for navigating our social environment: the brain. This is just as true as tobacco smoke affecting the organ whose job it is to process oxygen for the body: the lungs.

In a nutshell, we separate the body into two unequal halves, neck-up and neck-down, and though we would readily admit to the potential harm that a sharp blade would have on our vulnerable skin, we are reluctant to acknowledge the potential harm of a sharp word on our vulnerable cerebral cortex, especially during the developing years.

This may seem like a long answer to a question that could have been much more easily answered with a plea to the dictionary and a hollow, “It depends what you mean by disease” retort, but I think in order to refocus this long-standing debate, we need to shift the paradigm of what we mean by health and disease.

There is much science to demonstrate the impact of experience on not only the function of the brain, but its actual structure. For example, watch this video by neurodevelopment expert Dr. Allan Schore.

In conclusion, if we can get past the societal notion of what a disease is, then yes, I believe that we can lump mental illness in with every other form of physical corruption that may occur during this life, regardless of the organ or the origin.I hope this addresses the question adequately and I welcome feedback and opinions on the topic.

The Top Six Barriers to Seeking Help

Today I’m going to be addressing the top six reasons why people who need help from a counsellor are reluctant to reach out and begin the process. These reasons are gleaned from my years of experience working with people who, after meeting, have asked themselves the question, “Why did I wait so long?”

Time

uh… lunchtime?

Most people would probably describe themselves as busy. Many of us actually are. We may have multiple jobs, multiple hobbies, and multiple children, and all of these entail multiple demands. However, if we take a good look at our schedules, we may find that a good percentage of our “busy” time could be spent much more productively.

While I was working my way through university, I was employed by my school’s athletic department as an Academic Coach. Basically, my job was to help the student athletes avoid losing their academic eligibility to play for the sports teams. At the beginning of each semester, I would sit down with each athlete from each team and go over their course schedule, help them set goals, and if necessary teach them study skills and time-management skills.

The most common reason I heard from the students to explain academic problems was that they were just too busy to study or do homework. On the surface, this seemed legitimate. Practicing 4-5 days a week, playing games on the weekend, some of them working part-time as well, it seemed to make sense that they were just being stretched in too many directions.

In an attempt to make sense of these demands, I began to make out a weekly time budget with the students. I would tell them that the day starts at 8AM. This was usually met with looks and comments questioning my sanity. It turns out that many of them did not feel that it was necessary to get out of bed until at least 11AM. I suggested that the academic day ended at 10PM. Again, more looks.

Almost universally, after completing these time budgets, the students were dismayed to see how much free time they actually had. I remember one student, complaining that she just couldn’t handle the burden of her schoolwork due to time constraints, sitting with a look of embarrassed and bewildered shock when she became aware that in fact, she had 40 hours of free time every week.

I’m studying here!!

Take a look at your own schedule. How much of your time every week is spent being busy? How much of it is spent engaging in the very activities for which you may need counselling help? Make a time budget and see what the results are.

Money

I spent all my money on glamour shots at the mall

For some unknown and brilliant reason, mental healthcare is considered differently than regular healthcare in Canada. While I can go see a doctor about my sniffles and the cost is largely subsidized by the government, the same cannot be said for my depression, anxiety, grief, etc. This leaves the sufferer on the hook to fund their own recovery. The lunacy behind this policy is fodder for another conversation, but the reality is that many people, especially these days, are feeling the financial pinch. Often, the stresses brought on by these financial pressures are large contributors to the burdens for which people need counselling.

However, similar to the discussion of time budgeting above, many of us throw away money on a daily basis that could be better used for more ennobling and self-actualizing pursuits. Consider smoking for example. A pack-a-day smoker may be spending upwards of $300 a month on the short-term relief of nicotine. That morning cup of coffee (and maybe the afternoon and evening one as well) add up fast. The amount of money spent paying for 369 channels of brain-draining reality TV and stylized drama merits mentioning as well.

Feeling better yet?

The common link between all of these activities is that they bring immediate, short-term relief from stress, depression, and other problems. However, they also contribute to the source of those problems. If a person were to set aside $100 a month for activities that would actually bring real, lasting relief, they would be getting much greater value for their dollar. However, it requires taking the long-view, which is something that is very difficult when we are feeling the need for relief. We will return to this point below. Many counsellors offer a sliding fee scale based on income. I personally offer the first two sessions for 50% off the regular price so clients don’t have to sacrifice so much of their hard-earned money during the process of investigating whether I can even help them. After that, half-hour sessions are available for reduced fees. Many benefits companies have allowance in their extended health coverage for Registered Clinical Counsellors. Even if you can only make room for one session, it can help to reduce the pressure that is building. For now, take a look at your budget. Is there room in there for help?

Misinformation

Many people’s view of counselling is based on what the media has portrayed. They may expect to enter a large office with many leatherbound books, be asked to lay down on a European sofa, close their eyes and have a bespectacled, white-bearded knock-off of Sigmund Freud ask them about their mother. In reality, although there are mental health professionals who approach therapy that way, counselling is actually much more than that.

Tell me about my mother…

Will I ask questions about your mother? Absolutely I will. I will also ask questions about your jobs, your current and extended family, your experiences, your feelings, your goals and dreams, and probably even what you like to do for fun. However, I will also listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk about, I will teach you things if you want to learn them, I will coach you on conversations that you have been putting off or avoiding. I will talk to you about things that may appear to have nothing whatsoever to do with the reason you came to see me in the first place. That is the essence of counselling.

If done correctly, it is not frightening; it is comforting. It is not mysterious; it is enlightening. It is not creating dependence; it is empowering. If people are afraid to come to counselling because they believe that the therapist/counsellor will expose their darkest secrets and make them do weird things, they should watch less TV for starters, then they should give it a try.

Bad Counselling Experiences

This is not a helpful approach to therapy.

As someone once said, 50% of doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class. A certificate hanging on the wall or letters behind someone’s name is not guarantee of anything other than significant student loan debt. I learned this the hard way. Not all professionals are created equal. This can be said in any field. Somewhere there is an honest mechanic who works as efficiently as possible. Somewhere there is a realtor who actually sells houses. Somewhere there is a doctor who reads medical research journals published after 1975. However, there are also mechanics who would cheat you out of your old age pension, realtors working at Starbucks, and doctors who do not even look up from the prescription pad when you enter their office.

Black and white thinking is an error that leads many of us to miss the boat on opportunities in life. I myself, when I was younger, had a few experiences with counsellors that disillusioned me and actually caused harm. Once, when working as an interpreter, I was assigned to accompany a man on a trip to a psychologist who was seeing him to help him adjust to a new job after he had been injured at his previous job. The psychologist asked a few practical questions about the shifts he was working, how his neck and back where feeling, and then closed the session less than 20 minutes after it started. I was astonished and in the parking lot afterward, the client for whom I was interpreting asked me through tears, “When is he going to ask me how I feel?” I was wondering the same thing. Experiences like this eroded my confidence in the counselling profession but they also fueled my own desire to give clients a better experience.

If you have had a bad experience with a counsellor in the past, find a way to pick yourself up and try again. Eventually you will find the one who fits you properly.

Stigma

I don’t need counselling, I have a job. I don’t need counselling, I run a business. I don’t need counselling because I’m not having a nervous breakdown. One thing that our society has successfully ingrained into our collective psyche is that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. To ask for help is to admit your own inadequacy and inferiority. This nonsense could not be further from the truth. Everybody needs help when the demands placed on them have outpaced their resources. This is true physically, it is true financially, and it is especially true emotionally.

The stigma around seeking counselling seems to stem from the stigma around mental health in general. People may feel that going to see a counselor might be an indicator that they are “crazy” or losing it. In our society, we are ready to hand over the handling of our vehicles to mechanics, our finances to accountants, our health to doctors, the education of our children to teachers, but we cling to the idea that we should be able to handle our own mental and emotional health on our own.

Anxiety? What’s that? Sounds like baby talk!

The reality is that only the strongest among us are able to show vulnerability and that doing so is a sign of strength, not weakness. To ask for help when it is needed is much more respectable than to continue to spiral downwards when help is available. If you were drowning in the pool and the lifeguard offered a hand, would you refuse it? Most likely, the answer is no. Try to overcome the bias that our society has created around seeking help for mental and emotional problems and reach out and grab the hand that is waiting.

Symptoms

If you had a problem and the only treatment for that problem was exposing yourself to more of that problem, how quickly would you sign up for treatment? Let’s say you have a headache and the doctor told you that the best treatment for that headache was to bang your head repeatedly on the concrete wall, would you take his word for it or would you just hope it cleared up on its own? I think I know that answer. We tend to adopt the same strategy when it comes to dealing with our emotional problems. The symptoms of the issues that we face create barriers for seeking help for the issues themselves.

For example, if you are suffering from anxiety, especially social anxiety, and have a very difficult time trusting others due to a lifetime of hurt and harm, how quickly would you seek treatment that requires you to leave your comfort zone, meet someone new, and share with that person some of your innermost thoughts and feelings?

If you are depressed and feeling lethargic and hopeless and unmotivated, how quickly would you go online to find a counsellor, phone for an appointment, get up and go to the appointment, or follow through on any of the things that were discussed there?

If you have ADHD and have problems being organized, focused, following through, remembering obligations, and constantly changing plans, how likely are you to get around to making that appointment, or showing up for it once you’ve made it?

If you have marriage problems that stem around poor communication and constant arguing and tension, how likely are you to seek out a stranger, fearing that you may be exposed as imperfect, that the counsellor will take your partner’s side, or possibly face the reality that the marriage or relationship is doomed?

The examples are endless. I believe that the symptoms of the problems are the biggest barrier of all. I believe this is because there are those of us who, after having gone through this list, will see that we have the time, the money, that have the information, that have the resources, but will not go through with it. I have always said that if someone presents you with a problem and you offer a completely viable solution to the problem and they do not accept the solution, then they have not presented the actual problem.

Don’t let the issues that weigh you down keep you from standing up for yourself. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. No matter what you have been through, you can come out the other side victorious. If people are willing to work, no problem is irreparable. Don’t wait for things to clear up, instead get up and get some help. I love to see people freed from the guilt and shame that has painted them into a corner. Whether you reach out to me or another person, don’t wait any longer.

The Positive Outcome of Treatment for ADHD

With enthusiastic permission of the client, I am posting a letter written to me regarding the change that has taken place in this individual’s life as a result of being adequately treated for a lifelong history of ADHD. This client was recently diagnosed as an adult (in his 40s). His comments are dramatic but also very typical of my clients who have sought help for ADHD. Feel free to share it with people you know.

“Ever since I was a young boy, I had a feeling of emptiness, like I was missing something inside of me. I always felt like everything I did was wrong or not good enough. I would always get in trouble in school and at home. I couldn’t control my behaviors, my happiness, and my mouth. I felt less-than and unable to make anyone or myself happy. I was so bad that I hated myself and also thought the world would be a better place without me, almost to the point of not wanting to live. I used drugs later on to mask my feelings so I didn’t have to feel the way I did. As I’ve lived this way, my whole life and just accepted that was how life is. My father also made me believe that men are supposed to be strong and be able to handle things and that medication is for the weak. After coming to treatment this time I’ve had a chance to see my life for what it is and to see that some of my beliefs are not true. I was so desperate to have a better life that I decided try medicine for my problem, which was Ritalin. After taking the Ritalin for two weeks, my life has already changed so much. It has mellowed me out. I can absorb information and concentrate on things so much better. To explain it the best way is to tell it like this:

When you look into a mirror you see yourself and the place you’re in in the background. Taking Ritalin is like walking through to the other side of the mirror. [Things look the same] but life is so much different. I’m in the same place and body but my thoughts and world have changed. I am now in a world that is bright and shiny with options and choices. I feel as if I matter and I can do things in my life that I never thought was possible. My life feels positive and different but most of all, I don’t’ fee like I’m missing something or that I am empty. The greatest feeling ever is that I finally feel whole, not the empty person I was before. It has created a whole new world for me that feels full. For this I am grateful and intrigued to be the best I can be in life and fulfill my goals and dreams.”

Online Pornography Addiction

One of my specialties in counselling is the area of sexual addiction, most specifically pornography. If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue, please take the time to watch these two video clips. In addition, here is a link to a quick screening test. If what you see and hear triggers something inside you, please give me a call. There’s no need for shame, just a need for help and understanding.

 

Living with ADHD

Here is an interesting documentary on ADHD. It shows some extreme cases and some situations that are very typical of a household with someone who struggles with ADHD. See if you can sit through the whole thing